john hawks weblog

paleoanthropology, genetics and evolution

The Onion

  • Cloven truths

    Thu, 2011-02-17 22:43 -- John Hawks

    From The Onion:

    Anthropologists Trace Human Origins Back To One Large Goat

    'Wait, That Can't Be Right,' Scientists Say

    Oh, goodness I was rolling when I read this. It's pitch-perfect satire of paleoanthropology's stuffed shirts.

    "There may be some slight inconsistencies in a few of our results, but I assure you these bone samples and behavioral analyses are all, well…look, I'm not going to stand here and tell you they're not a little ridiculous-looking," said Regina Hubbard-Price, associate director of the American Anthropological Association. "Obviously, with hindsight, yes, it's somewhat odd that our theory presupposes complex hunter-gatherer societies composed of large, 250-pound bipedal goat-men. But a lot of thought went into this, I swear."

    Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.

    Tags: 
    The Onion
    humor

  • Fiat lux

    Sat, 2010-01-02 07:30 -- John Hawks

    From The Onion:

    Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

    "I do not understand," reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. "A booming voice is saying, 'Let there be light,' but there is already light. It is saying, 'Let the earth bring forth grass,' but I am already standing on grass."

    Maybe someone can get the Creation Museum interested?

    Moreover, the Sumerians were taken aback by the creation of the same animals and herb-yielding seeds that they had been domesticating and cultivating for hundreds of generations.

    Uhh...probably not...

    Tags: 
    creationism
    The Onion
    humor

  • Shimmy-shaking

    Thu, 2009-12-31 11:30 -- John Hawks

    From The Onion:

    Early Humans Finally Drunk Enough To Invent Dancing

    "While human beings had experimented with rudimentary forms of shimmying and gyration as early as the Neanderthal period, it was not until they were able to reach critical levels of utter inebriation that early cultures finally began to let their hair down and really cut loose," said Yu Wei Lin of the Beijing Institute of Dance Studies.

    Tags: 
    humor
    The Onion

  • Blammo!

    Tue, 2009-12-29 11:30 -- John Hawks

    From The Onion:

    Dinosaurs Sadly Extinct Before Invention Of Bazooka

    According to Ernest Diffey, a fossil archivist at the American Museum of Natural History, a giant asteroid struck the earth in the late Cretaceous period, forever robbing scientists of valuable data concerning the effects powerful rocket launchers might have had on the largest land animals that ever lived.

    Tags: 
    The Onion
    humor
Subscribe to The Onion

Neandertals

For years, I've worked on their bones. Now I'm working on their genes. Read more about the science studying these ancient people.

Denisova

From a finger bone of an ancient human came the record of a completely unexpected population. My lab is working on the science of the Denisova genome.

Acceleration

The advent of agriculture caused natural selection to speed up greatly in humans. We're uncovering some of the ways that populations have rapidly changed during the last 10,000 years.

Malapa

Just outside Johannesburg, the Malapa site is producing some of the most exciting finds in human evolution. This site is the headquarters of the Malapa Soft Tissue Project.